Ocarina of Time: Total Randomness
by UncleScar4life
Summary: Link wakes up from his bed one day only to be invited to go eat chili with a tree. He then finds out he has to save the world. Ocarina of Time crack-fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Enjoy this random story. **

**Disclaimer- I do not own anything from Zelda.**

* * *

Once in the forest of Hyrule, there was a boy named Link and his destiny was to save the world.

"Navi The Fairy, I need you to tell Link that he has to save Hyrule." The Great Deku Tree said as he was eating a bowl of chili. "But Deku Tree, I already found the mystery mushroom from Mario!!" Navi replied.

"Navi...you are the only one who can that kid that he needs to wake up and eat some chlii with meeee- er...I mean save Hyrule from sudden destruction." The Deku Tree ate his last bit of chili.

"Fine Deku Tree, I will get him. But if he hits me, I am NOT going to make more chili for you." Navi then went to Link's house and she started singing opera. "Link Link LINK!!!! WAKE THE HECK UP!!!!"

"Wha-what!?!? What are you doing in my house and why are you yelling?" Link said as he scratched his head. "I had to tell you that you have to go inside the Deku Tree and get that stomach virus out of him. We all think it's from Queen Gohma the Drunken Parasite."

"Fine, I need a sword and sheild so I can kill it." Link said as he jumped off his bed, ready for action.

* * *

Link and Navi left the house only to find a girl with green hair running straight at them. "LINK LINK LINK!!!! I just found out that I'm a She-male!!!" Link then climbed down the ladder and then went right past the she-male. He walked to the three stones leading to the shoppe.

"Link, you need to jump across the stones." Navi said floating.

"OKAY! FINE NAVI I WILL!" Link jumped across the first two stones and then found a blue rupee hanging above his head. "SWWEEET! I GOT FIVE BUCKS!!!"

He jumped across to the last stone and entered the shoppe. Just then, he stopped dead in his tracks.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT! I GOTTA GO TAKE A DUMP!" He murmered while squatting. He ran to the back room. "HEY I FOUND FIVE BUCKS IN THE TOILET!" Link then spoke to the cashier.

"WHADDYA WANT?!" The cashier said, speaking in a New York dialect.

"I need a shield." Link replied, still squatting.

"40 bucks for the shield."

"NO PROBLEM! I can just keep going in the crapper until I get 40 bucks!" Link did so and got the wooden shield. "SWEEEET! Now I only need a sword." He said as he was holding his shield in relief.

"Y'know Link...you still need a sword." Navi blurted looking at Link with stupidity.

"Navi, I already SAID THAT JUST NOW!"

* * *

Link walked over toward the Training Grounds where he found a hole and crawled into it. "OW! Why did I get hit by a boulder!?!?" Link said as he was laying on the ground in agony.

"I don't know Link, JUST RUN!"

Link ran like the Gingerbread Man and found a chest. "HEEEYYYY NAAVVVIII!!!!! I found a CHESSSSTT!!!!!"

"Then open it..." She retorted, while filing her nails.

He opened the chest, but for some reason, it had golden neon lights shooting out the top. "SWEEEEEEEEEETTT!!!!! I GOT A SWORD!!"

Link then journeyed toward the path of The Great Deku Tree only to find a dorky kid guarding it.

"Like, Hey Link. You can't pass unless you have a swo-" Mido stopped. "...you DO have a sword and shield?"

Link pushed him out of the way and went to talk to the Deku Tree.

* * *

"Link, you can finally eat some of that chili that Navi made." The Deku Tree said as he munched on some more chili. "Y'know Deku Tree, how can you eat food like that?" Link and Navi said as they were eating some Rice Krispies.

"Y'know....I have no idea. How can I even talk either? I mean, I'm just a stupid tree!"

"Can I just kill that stupid parasite already!?!?!!?" Link interrupted.

"Okay, but I must warn you-"

"JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME KILL IT!!!!!"

"FINE!"

The Great Deku Tree's mouth opened and they both went inside.

* * *

"DANG! How big is this freaking place? It even has a giant spider web in it!" Link said as he was looking around. They both climbed up the vines onto a large cliff.

"HEYYY!!!! LINK! Want some chocolate bars?" Navi asked holding some Hershey bars.

"Heyyy.....where did you get those?" Link questioned.

"I got it from the Deku Tree....well it was behind him......okay fine, it was in his chamber pot..." Navi confessed.

"Uhh....you can eat it yourself. But just make sure you save some for the spiders."

"Why would I give it to the spiders?" Navi said as she bit into a piece of the so called 'Chocolate'.

"TRUST ME. Just save some."

Link and Navi then, jumped across another platform onto a place where some grass was.

"Oooh! GRASS SEEDS!!!" Navi squeeled, her eyes dialating.

"Why are you so stupid Navi?"

"I'm stupid right now just to look cool in front of you....derp."

"...why did you say 'derp'?" Link said, stupidly looking at her.

They both jumped across another platform and came to a door.

* * *

"LINK! You can open the door by-"

"NAVI! I KNOW HOW TO OPEN A DOOR!" He angrily interuppted. Link went through the door and found a giant stone block floating in the air.

"How is that even possible?" Link said, scratching his head in confusion. He jumped onto the floating stone block and then jumped onto a platform. He then found a chest.

"Tch, I bet this one has even MORE golden neon lights in it." Link opened the chest. "Why are these chests trying to be gangsta?" He found a slingshot inside the chest and picked it up.

"LOOK AT THIS SLINGSHOT NAVI! It's floating above my head!!!"

Link targeted a ladder that was on the wall and shot a pellet at it. The ladder fell to the ground and landed perfectly in front of the platform. "Navi....why are you green and why is there a yellow arrow pointing at your head?"

"Link, I'm part of the Northern Lights, and the arrow....I can't explain that to ya. I'm just a glowing ball."

They fell down the platform and exited through the door.

* * *

"Umm, Navi, are those spiders wearing Hollow masks from Bleach?"

"Why are you always asking me this crap?" She retorted.

"Navi, remember, I have a speech inpediment and....well sometimes I get lonely. I have ADDDDDDDDDDDD times 10 to the second power."

"Link, I don't think ADD has even been invented yet."

"How can a disbility be invented? Oh wait, I'M THE TIME TRAVLER'S WIFE!"

"Well, who's your wife in the future?"

"It's Zelda."

"How do you even know about her? The Deku Tree hasn't talked about her yet." Navi replied.

"I overheard you and the Deku Tree talking about her. Oh and when I talked about the time travler's wife....I just made that up."

"Okay? Good for you." Navi rolled her eyes.

Link then, shot the Senora Verde spiders with a pellet. "NO LINK! They're called 'Menos Grande' not 'Senora Verde!'"

"Nope. I call em' Senora Verde. Take it or leave it glo-ball."

"HEY don't make fun of my glowyness! That's racist!"

"How is that racist?"

Link then saw another chest by the web. "I bet this one has MORE golden neon lights." Link said. He opened the chest. "SWEEEEEET!! MORE GOLD LIGHTS! Who ever thought the Great Deku Tree's belly was gangsta?" He took a look at the contents of the chest and held it up away from his face.

"Navi, why is there toilet paper in the Deku Tree's stomach?"

"Link, you're onlyin his stomach right now. Wait till you poke through that giant ground web. That's where his bladder is. Why do you think there's water down there? Oh no wait, that's his uterus..."

"HE'S A GIRL!?!?!? Oh so THAT'S how Saria became a she-male...."

Link then threw the toilet paper back into the chest and walked up the vines onto another platform.

* * *

"OH MY GOSH! 411!!! GIANT SENORA VERDE SPIDERS!!!!!" Link killed them and then jumped off the platform and through the giant ground web and into the uterus.

"I can't believe I'm in a womb. What happens when the Deku Tree gets preggers? I thought he was a plant not a animal. THAT'S JUST FREAKY!"

"Hey Link, wanna know what I watched last night on T.V.? I was watching OZ and the scarecrow was talking to his friends. Then out of nowhere, this Witch came up and shanked him in the stomach and hay came out."

"What's that got to do with anything Navi?" Link asked confused.

"It came out of nowhere. I was thinking of OZ."

Link then walked onto a platform and onto a switch. A torch lit up. "Great, now the Deku Tree's uterus has fire in it? Don't tree's burn?"

"He's immune to fire Link."

Link and Navi got a deku stick and lit it on fire then burned the web blocking the door. "Oh my gosh, why is a little scrub coming out of the ground with a flower on his head? And why is he shooting nuts at me?" Link shouted as he blocked the nuts with his shield. He got his slingshot out and shot at the scrub.

"NO NO NO PLEASE MASTER! SPARE ME!"

"We're playing bowling?" Navi asked.

"NO NAVI! SHUT UP SO HE CAN TALK!"

"If you let me go, I'll tell you the secret code to get to the queen. It's 'L-I-N-K'. Don't forget!"

"That's my name...." Link remarked rolling his eyes. Then the scrub ran away. Then a door opened and they entered. They then found a platform rolling across some spikes.

"TOLD YOU IT WAS OZ." Navi said.

"Navi, you never said anything about this place being OZ. You were talking about the parody of Wizard of OZ."

Link jumped into the water, hit a switch and made his way to another platform with a block and a spider.

"OH NO! SENORA VERDE SPIDERS AGAIN! AND THIS ONE IS HUMPING THE WALL!!!" He killed the spider and made his way to the uterus main room again. He burnt the web on the ground and fell into it landing in water only to be shot by nuts again. This time it was four scrubs.

* * *

"Okay, L-I-N-K....." He murmered remembering the code.

He did the code and then the scrub opened the door leading the the Queen.

"Okay Navi, time to get out those so called 'chocolate bars'." He waved for them in his hand as the Gohma came down in front of them roaring. He then threw the "chocolate bars" into her mouth and she choked to death.

"SWEET! A HEART CONTAINER!" He took it and instantly became more stronger. He then saw blue neon lights coming out of the ground. "Dang this place is so gangsta!!!"

**A/n- R&R please.**


	2. Chapter 2

Link and Navi then all of a sudden, teleported out in front of the Deku Tree.

"Link.....Navi....remember to take this green rock candy and use it to show Zelda. I'm getting ready to die right now because....well.....I have uterus cancer and also, after you leave here, I won't be dead. I just want you out of my face. Navi keeps annoying me by taking all my feces out of my chamber pot. I was TRYING to start a collection of Deku droppings to show to the museum."

Then, the Deku Tree died out of nowhere by doing the GTS* to himself. "OH MY GOSH!!! Those chocolate bars in his chamber pot were actually crap?" Navi screamed while vomiting.

"Yeah Navi, I tried to give you that hint in the Deku Tree when I emphasized the phrase 'SO CALLED' chocolate." Link remarked rolling his eyes. Navi continued to vomit. They both walked out of the path of the Deku Tree only to find Mido gardening.

"Yo what's up homie?! Why'd you have to go kill the Deku Tree?"

"Mido, how the heck do you even know about that? You weren't even in there..."

"Actually, I installed cameras inside the Great Deku Tree and if you're wondering why that brown crusty toilet paper was in that chest.....that was me." Mido replied with a goofy grin.

Link gazed at Mido in disgust. "Uh....where did you get that paper anyways?"

"I got ripped tree bark off the Deku Tree and sanded it into paper...."

Link and Navi then pushed past him and navigated toward the bridge of the Forest. All of a sudden, the she-male came.

"HEYY LINK, I hope you got the message that I am a she-male. Here's this FREE ocarina I got out of the claw machine. And make sure you come back to seee meeee hheeheheheheeee...." Saria then vanished. Link then walked out to Hyrule Field.

* * *

He left only to be stopped by an owl sitting on a tree branch. "YO WHAT'S UP HOMIE G SUPER PANCAKE SKILLET WITH ORANGE JUICE?!?!?!?!"

"How did you know what I ate for breakfast yesterday?" Link questioned.

"I spied on you while you were cooking."

"How....?"

"I asked Mido to install some cameras in your house."

"Umm....well I never SAW him in my house."

"Well y'know grasshopper, Mido has.....teleporting powers. And he also squats a lot so that's how he can get around fast. Anyways, you can stil hang out with me at my gangsta club house!!!"

Link turned to Navi closing his eyes while throwing up the peace sign. "YEAH LIKE THE HOMIES IN MY MANSION!!!" He said trying to act cool in front of the owl.

"Link....you live in a tree..." Navi said. "Well, Navi you need to stop butting in on everybody's conversations!" Link spat back.

"SHUT DOWN ROBOT!" Navi yelled at the owl.

They started toward the castle only to be stopped by the owl again. "NO WAIT! I almost forgot! I can give you directions to the castle to meet ZELDA!!!!"

He gave the directions to them and afterwards while midway to the castle, the two found something floating in the air. "Hey Navi, why is there a fan in the air coming at us?"

"Link, it's a swifter fan that can fly at us and make very small little baby fans..." Navi said her eyes getting huge.

"Whatever Navi, let's just go where we're supposed to go."

"Link you need to go to Princess Zelda."

"OOOOO!!!! A PRINCESS YOU SAY!?"

"Yeah, the owl and the Deku Tree JUST TOLD you that. Weren't you paying attention?"

"I didn't feel like it."

"Y'know, you're acting strange and I think you're becoming a big player..." Navi said.

"SHUT UP I WANNA SEE THE PRINCESS!!!"

* * *

They walked to the gate of Hyrule Castle Town.

"Awwww MAN! It's night time and the gate's not open!!!!" Link said snapping his fingers in despair.

"Ok Swiper..." Navi accused as she floated there waiting for daytime. While they were waiting, skeletons came out of the ground. Link pulled out his sword and killed them. He then took a closer look at his 'sword.'

"What the freak man, this thing looks like a steak knife....I thought swords were supposed to be longer than this..." Link rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

It became daytime and they walked into castle town finally.

"Hey Link, I think you should visit some houses to figure out what's around this place." They both went into a nearby building where there were pots EVERYWHERE.

"SWEEEET! I'm on Cash EXPLOSION!!!" Link shouted. He broke all the pots and got tons of money. "AWESOME!!!! I WON THE LOTTERY!! TAKE THAT OLD PEOPLE!!!"

The two left for a nearby shop and walked up to the cashier. "Yeah, can I help you?" A buff guy asked.

Link saw a metal shield that was sitting on the cabinet of the store.

"I want THAT." He said pointing toward the shield. "80 bucks."

He paid the cashier getting the shield and headed toward the castle.

* * *

Link found a girl standing by a cliff. "HEY ARE YOU A FAIRY BOY FROM THE FOREST?!?!!?!?!?!?!" She yelled screaming his ears off. Link paused while blinking, trying to recover his ears from all the screaming.

".......who ARE you?"

"I'm AN EGG COLLECTOR FROM LON LON RANCH!!!!!!!!" She then handed Link a chicken egg. "YOU NEED THE EGG SO YOU CAN WAKE UP MAKE FAT DADDY!!! MAN WHEN I GET A HOLD OF HIM...." She held her fist angrily.

"How do you get to the castle without getting caught?" Link asked.

"FIRST, YOU GO UP THE VINES, THEN JUMP DOWN THE CLIFF UP THE HILL, CLIMB THE ROCKS, THEN TURN RIGHT, LEFT, AND THERE'S THE OPENING BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO MOVE MY FAT DADDY!!!!"

"What's your phone number?" Link asked.

"Link, you're only 13 and already hitting on ugly ragdolls..." Navi remarked.

"Shut up Navi, let's just go to the Princess and get this over with already..."

* * *

They followed her directions to the castle. On their way, they ran into some guards but they swiftly navigated past them. Arriving at the castle, Link saw a lazy fat man sleeping by a stack of crates.

"Tch, look at that old geezer." Link laughed pointing at him. Navi turned and blew a raspberry at Link before trailing off by herself leaving him stranded."HEY!! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" He shouted after her.

Soon, she came back and Link's jaw dropped to the ground. "NAVI? What.....in.....the.....world?" Navi was wearing air force ones, baggy jeans, baggy shirt, chain necklaces and a hat going sideways. "YO HOMIE! I'M GANGSTA! WORD LIFE!" She then did a gangsta pose and soon after, Link rolled his eyes.

"You aren't even doing it right...poser." Link then did the Soulja Boy while doing the same thing that Navi was wearing. They afterwards stopped and pushed the ugly fat guy into the water. "LOOK LINK! There's a hole leading to the inside of the castle."

"No dip Navi...."

They jumped across and crawled through the hole.

"OH NO GUARDS!!!!!!" Navi screamed but Link soon covered her mouth with his hand to shush her. "You idiot! They'll hear us!" He whispered. There were guards everywhere, but Link managed to sneak through and get 90 bucks in the process. When they arrived to the Princess, Link started hitting on her and got her phone number.

"Hey, what's your name?" Zelda asked.

"Link....why?"

"Sounds familiar....do you have a green mystical rock?"

"Yeah, that stupid tree gave it to me. It smells like chili though." He frowned showing it to her.

"YES!" She shouted in victory. "So, are you the fairy boy in my dream?"

"What dream?" Link asked.

"It was about me running away from Ganondorf. If you look through this window, you can see him."

Link peered through the glass pane and threw up. "Uhhh....he's so hideous..."

"If you want to leave without getting caught by guards, go talk to my servant sheikah over there." Zelda said before going back to picking flowers.

* * *

He talked to the sheikah and she teleported him in front of Hyrule Castle Town while teaching him Zelda's Lulluby and giving him Zelda's Letter.

**(*GTS- means 'go to sleep' it's a finishing wrestling move)**


	3. Chapter 3

Soon after she left, Link and Navi walked to Kakeriko Village then went into the village. Link found a gate by Death Mountain guarded by a guard. He showed the guard Zelda's letter and got through the gate and headed to Goron City.

"Y'know Navi, there are giant spiders in front of us.."

"Why are you telling me this Link?"

"I don't know....I have talking problems. I thought I told you that already."

Link then pulled his sword out and killed them. "TAKE THAT NAVI! I TOLD YOU I GOT SKITTLES!!!" He then pulled out a packet of Skittles and ate them.

"HEY HEY HEY! How did you get a packet of Skittles Link?" Navi asked.

"Princess Zelda gave them to me when I got her phone number...."

"You....are such a player Link.."

"I know Navi. That's why you can't get anybody." Link grinned.

They both walked up the hill and saw a goron coming at them. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU BALL OF ROCK!!!" Link said. They then went into Goron City.

* * *

"WHAT A DUMP!!!" Link yelled.

"LINK! Manners." Navi corrected.

"Screw manners. I need more skittles....wait....Reese cups...yeeeaaahh.....and more skittles....SOUR skittles."

"How'd you get all that candy?"

*No response*

"Whatever Link, let's just get the red ruby."

"WHY are you telling ME what to do NAVI? HMMM??"

"Because I want to. EEAAAAAHH!!!"

"Whatever Navi. By the way, I got the candy in the letter that Zelda gave me."

"I thought it was a Sheikah?"

".......Ok, it was. I LOVVVVEEEEEE CANDY!!!!!"

"Where did THAT come from Link?"

Link and Navi then jumped down and saw a large rock wall. "DAAAAAMMMNN!!!! That thing is made out of rock candy! Right?" Link said.

"No Link, that's rock. And that's it."

Link pouted. "GOSH! I was just asking a question...."

"HEY LINK LOOK! THERE'S A TRIFORCE ON THE GROUND!!!"

"Why do I care..."

"I think you need to play Zelda's lulluby so you can open the door." Navi said.

"NO WAY NAVI! I am not making that door fall asleep so that I won't be able to go in it."

Navi rolled her eyes. "You're such a retard. JUST PLAY IT!" Link then played Zelda's Luulluby and the door opened. They proceeeded inside.

* * *

"Why is there an old man goron standin there?" They both said in unison.

The goron looked at them. "I not old man goron. I just old man goron that don't know what talkin bout. And I likes rock and roll!"

Navi stared at Link. "Link....I think we need another song."

"But NAVI! I don't have anything else other than Zelda's lulluby!!!"

Then the goron interrupted. "You need play she/man song. Then I give you goron bracelet I will!"

"What!!!?!!?!?! I gotta go ALLLLLLLLL the way back to Kokiri Forest, get a rock and roll song from she/man, come ALLLLLLLLLLLL the way back here just so you can give me a BRACELET?!" Link screamed.

"But bracelet let you pick up bombs it does!!"

"Okay....FINE. But ONLY for the bombs. GOT IT?"

They both exited out the door.

* * *

"Y'know Navi, you could have told me that I needed the She/man's song when I WASN'T ALLLLL THE WAY OVER HERE." Link spat.

"Well, I was distracted by all the candy that Zelda gave me." Navi replied.

"Why didn't you tell me you got candy?"

"Because if I told you, you would have stole all of it and ate it."

"Smart fairy.."

Link and Navi then left Goron City and went down the hill. "LOOK! There're a lot of boulders in front of the cave. I wonder if we can blow them right up?"

"Who cares?"

They then left Death Mountain. "Hey Navi, let's go mess with this guard." Link walked over to the guard.

"Hey guard what's up?"

"Nothin'. I just want the Keaton Mask for my son, but the only way I can get it is if I go to castle town, but I'm on duty and my son wants it really bad." The guard replied.

"I can get it for you, just pay me 99 bucks when I give it to you."

"SURE! It's a deal!"

Link and Navi then left Kakariko Village.


	4. Chapter 4

**a/n-** I do not own Zelda.

* * *

"Link....Link....LINK LINK LINK LINK LIIINNNNKKK!!!!!!"

Annoyed, Link looked over at Navi with a scowl over his face. "WHHAAAATTTTT!!!?!?!!?!?"

"Oh....never mind I forgot."

"YOU FORGOT?!?!?!" Link huffed in frustration. "Gosh now I gotta go to freaking Castle town!"

They took a bathroom break and headed into castle town.

"Hey Navi look! There's a Happy Mask Shop."

They entered the Happy Mask Shop. "Yo boy, can I get me the Keaton mask?"

The old man grinned freakishly at them. "Ho ho ho ho ho! You can only have it if you sell it and bring the money back. Ho ho ho!"

"Fine Santa Clause, I'll do that." Link said while rolling his eyes.

* * *

Link and Navi left the shop and headed back to Kakariko Village.

"Y'know Navi, I'm finally doing something good instead of doing something bad."

"I reall don't care Link."

They got some pop rocks and ate them. "I want some Hershey bars!!!" Link said. Navi sighed. "Here Link." She handed him some chocolate.

"YAYY!!"

Link ate all the chocolate that Navi gave him. "Let's go to KAKARIKO!" He shouted. Then out of nowhere, "Eye of the Tiger" came on as they were walking in slow motion toward the village. They gave the guard the Keaton mask.

Then they

"You really need some Reese cups huh Link?" Navi asked.

"OH CRAP! It's night time!"

Skeletons came out of the ground and charged at them. "That's it skeletons! Imma cut all you heads off!" Link shouted. he cut their heads off and then they all died.

"Finally they're all dead." Link growled. Then a GIANT skeleton came out of the ground. "AWWW MAN!" Then Link killed it.

"Navi, WE NEED TO GET TO THE FOREST!!!"

* * *

Link and Navi skipped to the Forest.

"Okay." Link said. "Where's the man/woman? AKA SARIA?" They got to Saria's hideout and she taught Link the song "Rock and Roll All Night".

"Well, all we have to do now, is get to the old man goron." Said Link.

Saria turned to Link. "I can get you guys there in 3 seconds in my flowermobile!"

Link had to get to the old man goron FAST, but he DEFINITELY was NOT going in that flowermobile.

"You know what man/woman, I am NOT riding in that thing, and THAT'S FINAL!"

They then beat the crap out of Saria and hi-jacked her for everything except for the flowermobile an walked back to the old man goron.

* * *

When they got there, Link went up to the old man goron. "Here's the song 'Rock and Roll All Night' OKAY"

He played the song and the old man goron discoed insanely and sang along. "NYEHEHEHEHE JOE I OH! NEYEHEHEHEHEHE JOE I OH!"

The old goron gave Link a braclet so he can pick up bombs and said "If you kill monstrous dodongo king, then I give you shiny red rock candy I will!"

"OH YEAAAAAAHHH!!!" Link said. "I GOT A BRACELET!!!"

"Shut up Link! Just get into Dodogo's Cavern already! GOSH!!!"

* * *

When outside, Link saw the cave surrounded by a rocks. He saw a bomb flower garden by a goron. Link grabbed the bomb flower and threw it over the cliff and it blew the rocks up into teeny tiny pieces. They entered the cave then.

"Link! We're in Dodongo's Cavern!"

Link made a fist and hit his chest a few times signaling that Navi was a retard. He grabbed a bomb and blew the rock wall up which enabled them to enter the temple.

"DANNNGGGG!!! This place is big!"

Link then jumped across a rock onto a piller that rises and onto a giant platform."Why is there a type 7 diabetes reptile....looking at me?" Said Link.

"Link, that's a stuffed puppy dog that kinda looks like a reptile....but it's not."

"Navi, if you ever interupt me again, then I will NEVER and I mean NEVER share my Halloween candy with you!!! And I get tons because I steal Mido's when he's not looking."

"NONONONONONONONONONO!!! PLEASE!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! REESE CUPS!!!" Navi pleaded.

"Then YOU shut up, and let's do this place so I can go makeout with Princess Zel- er I mean do another temple!!! Yeah....that's it." He said hesitantly.

* * *

Link jumped across a piller and onto a hill and Navi trailed behind him.

"What the freak? Why do I see giant whoppers? And for some reason, they're blocking this door perfectly..." Link said.

"Link, that's not giant whoppers...they're giant brown rocks lined up together to signify something."

Link looked at Navi like she was Stephen Hawking and he took a bomb flower and blew up the rocks.

"That takes care of them giant whoppers!"

They found an iron door down the hall. Link then blew it up AGAIN for no reason.

"Link.....it didn't have rocks blocking it."

"I know Navi, I just like blowing stuff up." He grinned at her. Navi rolled her eyes before trailing off, away from Link.

"HEY! COME BACK HERE NAVI!"

Moments later, Navi came back wearing air force ones, a baggy shirt, baggy jeans, and bling everywhere....again.

"Okay Navi, let me paraphrase this for you; YOU'RE NOT GANGSTA!!!!" Link said.

"Well....I may be a poser, but at least I have 40 pounds of Hershey Bars."

Link's eyes grew wide and he shouted. "GIVVVVVVEEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HERSHEY BARS!!!!!!!"

"Link BATS!"

He got out his slingshot and shot the bats and went through the other door in front of them.

* * *

"NAVI, there are dinosaurs everywhere!!" Link shrieked.

"Dino sours? ME LIKE dino SOURS!!!" (**a/n- Yes, it's dino and then sours....Navi thinks they're candy.**)

Navi then ate the small dino sours.

"GIANT WHOPPERS!!!!"

"Link, are you hallucinating again? It's just another iron door..."

"Hey Navi! Look! PINK FAIRIES!!!"

"Oh no you didn't! Pink fairies trying to be ruining my swagga!"

Link stared at her oddly. "Navi, you don't have a swagga....you're not gangsta."

Navi then beat the crap out of the pink fairies and then the two went inside the door.

* * *

"OOOOOOOOOH! MORE GIANT DINO SOURS!" The big "dino sour" breathed fire on Navi.

"AAAHHHH!!!!! I'm....not on fire?" Navi scratched her head. "Why am I not on fire?"

"You're a fairy Navi, you can't die or get hurt....unfortunately." Link said. "Oh, anyways, LOOK NAVI I FOUND A POT!"

He broke the pot and found a deku stick. "I GOT A STICK!" Link admitted happily. "Good for you..." Navi rolled her eyes.

He lit the torches and went inside the door.

* * *

"ARRRGGHHH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!"

Link looked at the Lizafos oddly. "Do you have Parkinsons?" Link asked but the Lizafos ignored him and tried to attack him.

"OH CRAP!"

He got out his sword and hit it three times then another one came after him.

"What the fiddlesticks? There're two of them!?"

"Yeah Link.....that's what it looks like." Navi said sarcastically.

Link turned and glared at her. "NAVI SHUT UP Or I swear I will take all my Halloween candy from you!!!"

He killed the Lizafos and then an iron door opened. They proceeded inside.

* * *

Link looked around boringly. "Man, this place is more boring than the sick Deku Tree. I think I caught the T-Virus from that guy..."

"Resident Evil? Seriously?" Navi mused. "When did you hear about Resident Evil?"

"I watched it on my I-pod Touch." Link admitted.

"WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?!?!?!"

"I got it from hi-jacking Saria..."

*No response*

They (well more Link than Navi) pushed a large rock and another door opened.

"What is up with all these freakin IRON DOORS?!?!" Link yelled.

"Link....it's a TEMPLE."

NAVI!!!! If you don't stop butting in on when I talk to myself, then I'm going to-"

"What're you gonna do to me Link? You can't hurt me....remember?"

Link smirked. "Ah, but I CAN take all your candy..."

Navi freaked out. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

"THEN SHUT UP AND LET'S BEAT THIS PLACE!!!!"

* * *

Link and Navi then climbed up and went through an iron door....AGAIN.

"Tons of platforms....HUH Navi?"

Navi mumbled under her breath. "Yeah...thinks he's gonna take my chocolate...he ain't taking my chocolate...I like chocolate...stupid kid.."

"What was that Navi?"

"Ohh. nothing!" Navi sweat dropped.

They walked across some platforms and found a chest. Link stared at it.

"I bet this chest has golden neon lights too." He opened the chest and it contained gold neon lights, blue neon lights, green neon lights and a ton of bling coming out of it with 50 Cent's rap song booming out of the speakers in it.

*No response from Navi*

"Hey Navi....is this where you've been getting that gangsta stuff?"

*No response*

* * *

He dug into the chest and found a bomb bag. "HOLY CRAP NAVI! LOOK! LOOK AT THIS! I GOT PORTA-BOMBS!" He peered into the bomb bag. "SWEET! A PSP!!"

They walked into a room and shot an eye that was hanging randomly on a wall that triggered the fire to extinguish, allowing Link to get across.

"Here Navi, take a chocolate bar." Link handed one to her.

"CCCHHHHOOOOOCOLATE!!!!" Navi screamed.

"Gosh Navi...."

"I LOVE CHOCOLATE! Especially HERSHEY!"

* * *

They ran across a bridge and dropped two bombs into the eyes of the Giant Dead Dodongo. They then jumped down the bridge into the entrance where the Boss supposedly was.

"That was unexpecting..." They said in unison.

The two jumped off the platform and onto the ground.

"Why...did I just do that?" Link murmured to himself.

"I need more candy everybody!" Link stared at Navi.

"Navi, who the heck are you talking to? There's no 'everybody' around here, it's just me and you. And besides, we don't have anymore candy."

"WHY NOT!!!" Navi threw a fit and stomped her 'feet'.

"Because that's all Zelda gave me! You ate it all!"

*No response*

Link pushed a big block onto a platform that allowed him to climb onto another platform. "What is up with all these platforms?" Link said.

They pushed another block to the ground and pushed it onto a switch that allowed them to proceed through another door. Then they blew a hole into the ground and went down the hole to where King Dodongo was.

* * *

"OHHH MY GOD!" Link screamed. "Th-this guy has to at LEAST have type 80000 diabetes!"

He threw a bomb in the giant lizard's mouth and he rolled around weirdly. Link soon followed with two more bombs in the monster's mouth and he rolled into the lava and died.

"THAT WAS LAVA? I thought that was salsa..." Link pouted. Navi trailed over to him.

"THAT was the most fattest thing that has ever lived !!! Right Link?" Navi asked.

Link got the heart container and teleported out of nowhere to the entrance to the cave.

* * *

"YOU DONE IT BROTHER!!! YOU KILLED KING DODONGO YOU HAVE!" It was the old man goron. "I give you, give you goron red ruby rock I will!"

Link cheered. "YESS!! Only one more stone to go! Now let's go to Zora's River!"

"Finally that place is over with!" Navi said relieved.

"But brother, you can get magic power from stripper fairy, you CAN!"

"Where IS this 'stripper fairy' anyways?" Link asked him.

"She in mountains high up in rocks, she is!"

"Okaayy....fine. But lemme ask you this; why do you talk like Yoda?"

"Because I AM Yoda! I am!"

Then the so called 'old goron' ripped his goron outfit off.

"You see, I am Yoda, I am!"

* * *

**a/n- review please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/n**- I do not own Zelda.

* * *

Link and Navi blew up some rocks and found the fairy, but the thing is, she wouldn't wear any clothes. Link gawked in disgust at her.

"Ueeghhhh....you have scabs!"

"I don't have scabs! That's my hobo clothes! It's seaweed!" The fairy replied.

Link stared off into space. "What were you gonna give me again?" he asked.

"I'm gonna give you magic power."

The stripper fairy gave Link the magic power and they both left Death Mountain.

* * *

"Y'know Navi, I hope I didn't get scabs from the stripper fairy." He said.

"Link, you didn't, she just gave you fleas from when she walked close to you."

Link shrieked. "FLEAS!!!!!? GET EM OFF GET EM OFF GET EM OFF!!!!!"

"I was just messing with you Link." Navi said.

Link exhaled in relief. "Phew, glad that wasn't real." The two then left Kakariko-Puerto Rico Village.

* * *

As they arrived outside into Hyrule Field, Link got confused. "Where the heck is Zora's River?"

Navi rolled her eyes. "Look, it's a river right, so just follow the RIVER! I mean IT'S RIGHT THERE! HOW CAN YOU FREAKIN MISS THAT?"

"That's a river? I thought that toilet?" Link scratched his head.

"You impudent child..." Navi muttered. "EXCUSE ME?!?!!?!?"

"Yeah, go right ahead Vicky Guerrero..."

Link and Navi argued all the way to the beginning of Zora's River. Then all of a sudden, a voice from atop a pillar came down at them.

"YO YO YO! What up dawg?!" Link knew that voice from anywhere. It was the gangster owl.

Link sighed in frustration. He didn't have time for this idiot. "What do YOU want?" He hissed.

"Oh wait that's right, I can't call you any gangsta names anymore since I'm not gangsta. I changed into a nerd! I almost forgot! Sorry about the earlier words."

There was a short pause.

"Is that all, because I need to get to Zora's House or whatever those idiots live in."

"NO! I just wanted to know if you wanted to come to my house and study ultra algebra with me! And we can be buddy's on Math Is Fun DOT COM! We can be friends, and we can take pictures of our shirt pockets and all the materials in them like calculators, pens, rulers, and post them up! ALGEBRA!!!!"

"Ummm....no thanks. I'm having bomb withdrawals and I'm about to blow these rocks up so if you could GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN DO THAT! Unless you wanna die."

"No problem my young padawan, just remember; MATH IS FUN .COM! NO SPACES!! BYEEEE!!!"

Link was relieved that he was gone. He didn't think he could take anymore of that guy without killing someone. He then bombed the boulders and walked up the hills to a waterfall.

"Why are there three triangles on the ground together making another triangle in the middle of it?" Link asked.

"You need to play Zelda's Lullluby!" Navi said.

"Why?"

"IT LETS YOU INSIDE!"

* * *

Link did so and the waterfall opened allowing them to proceed inside.

"NAKED FISH NAKED FISH NAKED FISH!!!" Link screamed.

"Link, those are Zoras."

"NAVI THEY'RE NAKED FISH!!!"

They walked up some stairs and went left only to find another Zora there atop a waterfall.

"What do you want Zora? Get out of the way I'm trying to ultra dive here so I can prepare for the olympics! I have to kick Mido's butt! And why do you have red lines on your face?" Link asked.

"I want to play a game..." The zora said in a low raspy voice.

"What the freak? Are you Jigsaw from Saw?" Link asked.

"No....but I want to play a game. It involves money. You only have 30 seconds to complete this game or else you will suffer!!!" He then laughed like Jigsaw.

The Jigsaw zora threw 50 bucks in the water and Link dived in and got the money in less that 20 seconds.

"If you come back I will give you something!" He heard the zora yell.

Link travled up the stairs to the zora.

"I present you a silver scale so you will be able to survive any of the most deranged of my games. HYEAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"?" Link thought. He went under wated and found a pathway leading to Lake Hylia.

* * *

"WHAT THE HECK?!! A BOTTLE! That's pollution!"

Link dived and got the bottle. "Link there's a paper inside!"

"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!?!" Link yelled.

He opened and read the note:

_Whoever's reading this, I wanted to tell you that I am stuck in Jabu Jabu's stomach. Come help me!_

_Ps. Don't tell me father. _

_Pss. I like applesauce...._

_  
_Link twitched. "Who the crap wrote that piece of heck?"

"Link it's who the heck wrote that piece of crap." Navi corrected.

"NAVI! GIEMFJAOCJAIOTUOREWFASKF!!!"

"Huh?" Navi was confused.

"Shut up Navi, let's just tell her dad..."

* * *

They swam back to Zora's Domain. "Hey Navi where's King Zora?"

"How did you know that her dad was King Zora?" Navi asked.

"I looked it up on the PSP I got at Dodongo's Cavern."

*No response*

Link and Navi went upstairs and found King Zora.

"WHOOOAAAAA!!! This guy is Jaba the Hut compared to the Great Deku Tree!" Link yelled. They showed King Zora the note and waited for 5 hours so he could move out of the way.

"TOOK YA LONG ENOUGH!" Link said darkly.

They went through the opening behind King Zora.

"DAAAAAAANNNNGGGGG!!!!!" Link screamed. "I take back what I said about that guy at Dodongo's Cavern. This guy is 5 times King Zora's fatness!"

"Link, I think this is Jabu Jabu..."

Link's eyes went wide. "Oh crap! How are we supposed to get his mouth open?"

"Get a fish...simpleton." Navi spat.

Link did so and Jabu Jabu's mouth opened.

"I do NOT want to go inside there." Said Link

Link and Navi procrastinated by playing a bunch of games. First, it was Go-Fish.

"You got any eights Navi?"

"Nope. Go-Fish."

They then played Monopoly.

"I'll trade you ALL my greens for ParkingPlace and Boardwalk!" Link asked.

Navi sighed. "FINE."

Then they played Scrabble.

"I spelled Scrabble and I got 100 point bonus! OH YEAAHH!!!"

"Shut up Link, when are we going to go in Jabu Jabu's stomach?"

"One more game Navi."

Then they played Uno.

Link layed down a bunch of cards on his turn. "Skip you, skip you, reverse, draw two!"

* * *

Link and Navi then went inside Jabu Jabu's stomach.

**A/n- Review please!**


	6. Chapter 6

A/n- I do not own Zelda or any of it's characters.

* * *

When they were in his stomach...

"Oh my gosh. This place is jacked." Link said.

"Link, your mom is jacked." Navi retorted.

Out of nowhere, a weird 'oo0o0o0o' sound came.

Link spun around toward the sound. "What the heck? Was that a freaking ghost?"

"You have man titties."

The boy stared viciously at Navi. "What did you just say?" He whispered darkly.

Navi closed her eyes like a rich person and crossed her wings. "You heard me. Grasshopper. You're just too afraid to say anything because you know those people are gonna say 'o0o0o0oo0o'."

Link didn't say anything because he knew Navi was right. Just they saw a metal trash can in the corner of Jabu Jabu's mouth.

"What the heck man? What the heck is this? Sesame Street? What, does Oscar live in there or something?" Navi blurted.

Then a grumpy old troll popped his head out of the trash can, not knowing Navi and Link were there and sang "The Grumpy Old Troll Song" from Dora. After he was done singing, he turned around and saw Link and Navi, and froze. He slowly went back into the trash can without making a sound, staring at them as he went down.

"What in the world?"

Link rolled his eyes. "I don't even wanna know."

* * *

"WHOA WHOA WHOA! How is there a freaking door in this guy's throat?" Link looked up. "OMFG? Is that his uvula?"

Navi turned to him. "Link, that's a switch."

"How do you know all this...?"

Link hit the switch and the spiderwebs magically disappeared like Lucky Charms. They both went through the door.

"Eww...he has ulcers in his freaking esophogus! WAAAIT...why is his esophagus spiral? AND SINCE WAS THERE A FREAKING SPIKY PLATFORM IN SOMEBODY'S ESOPHOGUS?" Link shouted.

Navi ran away and came back with a paper. "Link, I found the map to this place."

"OOO SWEET LEMME SEE THAT!" The boy snatched it from Navi's wings and started scanning his eyes over the map.

"Well, what does it say?" Navi asked.

Link just stood there.

"Link?"

"Navi..."

"Yes?"

"This isn't a map."

"It isn't? I thought for sure it was...well then what is it?"

"It's a freaking Wendy's menu..."

"Ohh...yeah I forgot to tell you that I had a double stack like 15 minutes ago when I went searching for the map in here."

Link's eyes went wide. "WAIT. That means..." He stared at Navi.

"What? What's wrong?" Navi asked hesitantly.

"HE...HAS A FREAKING WENDY'S IN HIS STOMACH? Who knows where those burger's meat originated from!"

"OHhh..." Was all Navi could say.

"Yeah, you really listened to me before when I was talking to you about eating mysterious things. Remember when you ate the 'chocolate' out of the Deku Tree's chamber pot?"

"Ohhh...nooo..."

"Yes. You should be ashamed of yourself."

* * *

They walked through another door and saw a weird girl.

"AHHHH! MY BRAIN JUST IMPLODED! NAKED GIRL FIIIIISISSSSSHH!" Link hid behind Navi in utter fear...literally.

Navi rolled her eyes. "It's just King Zora's daught-"

"AHHHH! THAT'S EVEN WORSE!" Link screamed.

The girl walked over to Link.

"I want you to watch me fall down this hole."

"You mean, ulcer?" Link corrected.

"Whatever. Watch..." The girl whispered weirdly. She walked and fell down the hole. Link was unamused.

"Yawn."

"STFU LINK! SHE COULD DIE!"

"Navi, let me tell something about things like this." He put his arm around Navi's shoulder and looked at her like he was her dad or something. "You know in those horror movies when little helpless kids make you follow them, and right when you do, and they got you alllllllll alone." He paused.

"What?"

"They get you and kill you. Navi, you should know I'm smarter than that." Link then crossed his arms and stood proudly.

Navi blinked. "Are you serious? C'mon Link, you know that's not true."

"No. IT IS. She just wants me to come after her so she can molest me. I'm not falling for it again."

"Again?" Navi said. "What do you mean AGAIN?"

"Well...that's the funny thing." Link said hesitantly. "Hehehe..."

"Lemme guess...the she-male did this to you once?"

"How'd you know?"

"Because you hate her." Navi replied bluntly.

"Yes, she did. It was right when I was going to go plant some onions in my back yard-"

"WAIT." Navi interrupted. "You have backyard? Every time I tried to get back there, the tree roots prevented me..AND I CAN FLY! How in world did YOU get back there?"

"I have a backdoor Navi."

"You have a backdoor in a treehouse?"

"HEY! It's a log cabin. Only thing is, the wood hasn't been chopped yet. HOW GANGSTA IS THAT? Not many people live in trees anymore."

"Why?"

"Because they're too into their 'bricks'."

Navi snorted back a laugh. "Lol...bricks..."

"STFU Navi. Anyways, back to what I was saying. I was gonna go plant some onions when all of a sudden, the she-male knocked on my door. BUT, I had ordered a pizza 24 minutes earlier so I thought it was the pizza man. When I opened the door, she smiled at me and stupid me followed her to the Lost Woods, which now I know why they're called that..."

"Why?" Navi asked curiously.

"Oh..."

"WHAT TELL ME! WHY ARE THEY CALLED THE LOST WOODS?"

Link sighed and rubbed his temples. "Because the she-male castrates her victims. THAT'S why."

It took Navi a few minutes to figure out what he meant by 'LOST', but she eventually did figure it out. "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She said, her face twisted into a look of disgust.

"Yeah."

"So, did she castrate YOU?"

"No thank the goddesses I got away in time. Only thing she did was molest me."

"OH MY GOODNESS YOU POOR SOUL! I AM SO SORRY! I AM HERE FOR YOU MAN! IF YOU WANT TO CRY I WILL CRY WITH YOU! IT'S OKAY! I'm HERE FOR YOU!" Navi bursted into tears. Link just stared at her.

"Navi, I was just kidding. All she did was kiss me, which is like, kissing a hippo's butt."

"EWWWWW!"

* * *

They followed her anyway, and she was just standing there smiling like a rapist.

"Why are you smiling like that? OH WAIT, NO I AM NOT FALLING FOR IT AGAIN!" Link said.

"I don't like you but whatever. I have to get my blue rock back because Jabu Jabu swallowed it. So. Carry me now. I order you to."

Link looked at her and laughed. "HAHAHHAA! You ACTUALLY think I'm going to carry you? Seriously? Nobody orders ME around PRINCESS! Now, get your lazy arse up and walk with the legs you were born with."

"No."

After about an hour of arguing with Link who was getting a severe headache, he eventually agreed to carry her just to shut her up.

"I want cake."

"WELL YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY-"

"LOOK! IT'S MY BLUE ROCK!" Shouted Ruto.

"Where?" Link started frantically looking around.

"Hahaha...you just lost the game. Fail."

"Shut up."

"Fail fail fail."

"SHUT UP!" Link screamed. He was getting severely irritated.

"FAAAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!"

"MOTHERF-"

Navi interrupted.

"Link! BAD! What have I told you about cursing young man?"

Link blinked and narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me? Who do you think you are Navi? Talking about me like I'm a kid or something."

"You ARE a kid...moron."

"Yes, I just said that. GOSH!" Link rolled his eyes and blew a raspberry at Navi. She just stood there staring at him. "You done?"

"NO!"

"Alright. Finish please so we can finish this temple."

"Okay. Wait right here. I hafta go get something..."

Link disappeared into one of the stomach doors and came back 15 minutes later looking slightly bloated. Navi flew over to him and looked over his persona. "Link...where di you go and what did you do?" She asked.

"Ate some nachos at Taco Bell. Why?"

"WHY CAN'T I HAVE SOME?"

"You didn't come with me." Link stated flatly, crossing his arms.

"But you said for us to stay here...right?"

"No...wait...yes...no...yes?"

"URGH!"

They did everything in the temple and rriiiiiiight when they got to the room with Ruto's blue rock...

* * *

"AHHHH!"

Link jumped. Ruto was being taken up on the platform that Link threw her on. "HEY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"

After the platform came back down, a giant octorok was on it.

"YOU AGAIN?" Link shouted, drawing his sword.

"Rooooooooooooo!" Said the octorok. He apparently had his rape face on.

"RAPIST OCTOROK! DIE! PIKACHU I CHOOSE YOOOOUUU!"

Navi nudged Link. "Uhh...this ain't pokemon." Link flipped Navi off and fought the octorok until he died.

"- ,!"

Navi stared at Link weirdly. "What the hell?"

"Don't ask."

They both slashed, walked, went through stomach doors until they got to the boss's door.

"Hey...I just noticed something." Link looked over at Navi who was eating pocky.

"What?"

"Gimme some pocky and I'll tell you."

"No."

"GIMMEEHH!"

Link flung himself at Navi snatching a stick of pocky.

"STEALER!"

"Gonna tell me now?" Link smirked.

"Wait...aren't YOU supposed to tell me?"

". Why?"

"TELL ME!" Navi screamed.

"Okay. Why...in the world...do we not need a boss key when I'm a kid. But for some reason, I out of nowhere, need them as an adult. I don't get that."

"Link.."

"What?"

"You've never been an adult..."

"I know."

"So how do you know all this?"

"Cheat guide."

* * *

Link and Navi entered the boss's room and saw a giant electrical ball thingamajig that had tentacles and jellyfish arms and vacuoles.

"What the hell is this?" Link shouted.

The monster looked over at Link. "RAWR."

"Rawr? WTF?"

All of a sudden some words appeared at the bottom of the screen.

**'Bio-Electric Anemone: Barinade'**

"Oooooooohh, so you're an anemone. Like off of Finding Nemo." Said Link.

"Link, no."

"STFU Navi, I'm concentrating on making a plan on how to kill this guy."

Navi rolled her eyes and went over to one of the pots in the corner. "Idiot." She mumbled.

Link looked over at her from afar. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"Intermediate."

"Oh...well thanks!"

"No problem." Navi snickered to herself, laughing at the fact that Link accepted the insult as a compliment. "Retard..."

"What?"

"I said 'Bombard'. Didn't you hear before?"

"No." Link looked at Barinade again.

"Hehe."

* * *

**A/n- **Please review.


End file.
